Never Give Up, Never Surrender

Posted on November 19, 2020 at 6:35 am by Daniel Kelly

This is a completely stupid and nonsensical joke, I love it. I think this is the first LotH page I have zero complaints with.

Also good about this page: This is around the point where I completely gave up on Serious Important Lore under each page (an idea I stole from Kill Six Billion Demons, where it works because that comic takes it lore more seriously), and the lore updates became surreal shitposts, like this Employee Manual for Doink Burger, slightly edited to meet Patreon guidelines:

Congratulations! You are now a Doinketeer. This might be your first job, a temporary job, or the only job you’re able to get due to your criminal record and meth addiction. In any case, we welcome you to the Doink Burger family.

This manual is a tool for you to use throughout your employment at Doink Burger. It contains job requirements, wage lamentations, tips on sexual harassment in the workplace, and additional resources. The purpose of this manual is to provide you with practical and spiritual guidance in your time of need while working at Doink Burger. If this manual does not solve a problem or question you might have, well fuck, man. I dunno.

We hope that you are successful here at Doink Burger, and we hope to actualize your success by providing this new employee manual. Good luck!

Employee Job Requirements

Doink Burger has certain guidelines for each of our employees to follow.

Employee Uniforms

New employees will be provided

• Non-Confrontational Yellow-Greige Work Shirt
• Fun-zo-hat
• Nametag (Name not provided)

You must provide your own pants. Acceptable pants may not be any of the following

• Skinny jeans
• Fat jeans
• Mom jeans
• Wide-brimmed jeans
• Jorts
• Really the entire jean sphere
• Yoga pants, including Broga pants and other Yoga-substitute pants
• Running pants
• Hammer Pants
• Sickle pants

You are responsible for cleaning and maintaining your work uniform. If your work uniform is unacceptable, you may be asked to remove it and continue your shift.

Employee Appearance

All we ask is that you at some point bathe

Employee Wages

You may receive monetary compensation for your employment. If so, your starting salary is the Massachusetts minimum Doink wage of $6.72/hr.

Te dan dos dólares por hora

Sexual Harassment in the workplace

Doink Burger strongly believes that sexual harassment is bad and you should only do it in you off-hours time. If someone is using their position of power over you to sexually harass you, please report it to your manager immediately.

Customer Service

Doink Burger requires the utmost loyalty from its employees. Never admit to wrongdoing on the part of Doink Burger or its policies.